Thursday, October 26, 2006
Fickle minded me.... =(
This past few days ive been doing alot of thinking..what is it i really want from him?A relationship?Company?What?I know im not making it all any easy for either one of us..haih..I got pretty emo last night after down-ing two shots with my cousins..kinda gt pissed with him too..i know his parents want him to be a doc and so us being together might get in the way of his studies and all that..i get it,though i dont understand the whole thing bout it.I noe im being confusing..then again,havent I always been pretty complex and confusing as a person?hehe...He called from russia the otha time..guess he was feeling guilty for screaming at me for something i had nothing to do with!When i woke up on tuesday morning there were four messages on my phone from him,literally screaming at me.Me being the not-so-morning person that i am lost my cool and screamed few messages back to him!hehe...
Then when he finally woke up his reply to me was "Hey arch,i really duno wat to say anymore to make you go away..im blank.."...ARGH!!!The thing is my patience limit is like,erm,very minimal but when it comes to him it doesnt mind being stretched,but only a little..i was so fed up that morning i was like lets just settle this once and for all and as usual...we didnt!ahaha..i dunnoe wat to say about us anymore.Just two nutcases!Then he called at night and we spoke like normal...
But last night i really blew my cool..after the two shots i just wanted to get everything outta my system!I asked him why he doesnt say that he misses me and all that anymore..i juz miss all those crazy lil things bout us..the only things i could hold on to??he said hes sorry but he cant continue what he left behind,and hes very sorry for that one reason.He went to russia with a new aim and that hes sticking by it.he sent this msg "arch,u c i was so happy when i got u as my gf.But afta my parents gave me advice i juz cudnt take it.Now it may sound akward but if it were your mum who found out and disliked it you should listen from her point of view.I got it.Maybe you will soon..."
That was certainly the stupidest thing to ever tell me especially if im pissed!So i said i noe whats important in my life ok,and that i understand the meaning of balance!Since you dont want to be part of my life,taking every possible way to make me go away from you,go right ahead i aint stopping you!...He said that i got him wrong,and its not that he doesnt want me to be part of his life but that we cant continue our old relationship.We are supposedly frens foreva..
I know its pretty darn obvious there will never be another "us" in the picture,or atleast he's trying to put it that way...but i have no idea why my heart wants it.Like i keep holding on to him..like if i were to let go of him id drown in this harsh sea or something?It hurts alot..hurts that you love him,and that you know he loves you,and he knows it too but you just cant be together..I am clueless as ever..why must life be darn confusing..I know to everyone it seems simple..just get over him they all say!But what about this feelings and emotions in me??Answers to my questions never come easy,i know that,sometimes people spend all their lives searching for answers that they will never find.Im tired of seeming to be this pathetic being and crying and being down & depressed..Theres so much more to life and so much to live and look forward to..Evrythings easier said than done,we never know a persons situation unless we walk in his/her shoes and stand in their skin..Wish he wasnt all that faraway...sigh...
I told
the story ...
8:35 PM
